Update: Apology, Hiatus & Rediscovery.

Dear readers, (if I even have any anymore)

I feel like I need to explain myself and the lack of activity on this blog. Firstly, I want to apologise if I have let anyone down because I know for a fact that I have let myself down. When I first started this blog, it meant everything to me. It gave me that platform to express myself honestly and be able to share that with anybody who cared to listen. It consumed most of my thoughts, it gave me so much hope and excitement from everything it could develop to be. Writing this blog was my escape out of my 9-5 daily working routine stuck in an office. I really had high hopes for this blog and to grow along with it; to share my journey.

Now, I’m in no way saying that I’m giving up or that this chapter in my life is coming to an end. This isn’t another blogging fail where somebody starts a blog and doesn’t keep it going and it’s just another faded dream. I just need some time. Time to rediscover myself, rediscover what I want in life and my ambitions. Time to get my life back together and start to really feel what it’s like to live. Time to readjust my brain and begin to write frequently. Time to get back into the fluidity of writing. But mostly, I need time to find hope again. I need to find that part of me that was bursting with hope and positivity, where my dreams were as big as the universe. The part of me when I believed that I could do anything. I don’t know how long it may take but I am determined to find her again.

I’ve gone through some changes over the past few months, if you have read my recent blog posts you may have noticed. Life has been different. I’m in a relationship now and as you can imagine it has been at the forefront of my mind and has been wonderful; definitely a roller coaster of emotions. So because I have been so wrapped up in love, I haven’t really had the time, brain power or motivation to compose blog posts. I hope you can understand.

I just wanted to write this because I have felt lost recently, a little in life but mostly within myself. I’m starting to realise that maybe I used to define myself through my creations and seeing as I haven’t been creating lots recently have felt that I am losing who I thought I was. It’s a confusing and frustrating matter. Many not-so-mid-life-crisises again, needing to have the answers to what will make me feel most like myself and how I can feel satisfied with my contribution to the world.

For the time being I will resign from scheduled posts as I don’t want to write anything just for the sake of it. But you can find me on Instagram as always_ashlea as I am continually posting on there, trying to get back into photography.

Thank you for reading and understanding. I hope to speak to you soon, as enthusiastic and eloquent as ever.

Always, Ashlea.

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Update: Perfection is an illusion

Hi there,

I’m Ashlea and I’m a perfectionist. When I first started this blog I was only inclined to post masterpieces, I simply wouldn’t settle for anything less. As great as being a perfectionist may seem, it has its flaws. I am my own worst critic. The pressure I put on myself to only publish the best and to dismiss everything in between has been holding me back tremendously.  I think that not only myself, but my blog plan and its layout desired perfectionism. I am a writer. Writers don’t need everything they write to be perfect, and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s best to just write without thinking and not worry about who’s going to see it. It’s okay to crumple up the piece of paper afterwards, or to store it away and forget about it. That’s where growth begins. How do you improve if everything you do immaculate? This whole writing a blog thing, is a shot in the dark for anyone to ever see it. But I don’t write in the hopes of people reading it, I write for myself. And if by some miracle others come across what I have written and enjoy it or connect to it in any way, then I’ll be delighted.

The whole reason I started this blog was to document my thoughts; those deep, intricate, untainted thoughts that run through this young mind of mine. Ultimately, this blog is an insight in to Ashlea’s brain, in all its glory and confusion! I’ve said this before, but life is ever-changing, as are we. Whatever may be going on in my life and my mind will never occur again. The rest of my life is something I have to figure out, and what better way to do so than to write every step of the way?

So I came to a conclusion. If my blog was limiting my writing (sounds so ironic) then that is what had to change. So as you may already have noticed, I have changed the layout which I think encourages exploration. Instead of just writing a letter every month, I’m going to be posting a lot more, which makes me so happy and excited. I hope you are too.

But it doesn’t stop there, friends, Oh no. As I was just going about my day, at home by myself (which is very rare), I sort of had a moment of envisioning future-Ashlea. It was weird, I’ve never really thought about what her life may be like, but I could see her bordering 30, living in a cute little apartment in the city away from family, coming home from a busy and productive day. She’d be the type to start cooking whatever she wanted, not really bothering with anything fancy (trial and error sort of thing), dancing and singing happily away to her favourite songs, glass of wine in hand. Carelessly and shamelessly herself and loving it. I don’t know if she’d be living with somebody, be in a relationship, have a pet or if I was on her own. But in that thought, there wasn’t any stress of anything that could be missing, that future-Ashlea’s life may be far from perfect, but the vision of me living in my own place, being older, independent, happy and free, seems pretty perfect to me.

Also, I was reading a book and there was this one line that really made me think. The main character broke off her engagement and has a moment of looking back on their ‘perfect’ highlights. She describes the night she met his family, the first time he said ‘I love you’ etc (the obviously perfect moments in life) But there was this one moment that changed my way of thinking. It was the day they moved into their new house and sat on the stairs drinking champagne out of mugs. I just thought that life is far from perfect but that image of the time they moved into their new house, full of hope, happiness and love, spending every day with each other. That first day of moving, is not glamorous and is highly stressful – that’s the reality. So they took the reality and made it something beautiful to remember. They were together making the best of every situation – and that, my friends, is what life is all about. Perfection is an illusion. Most of the time, those perfect moments are the ones made up of imperfect details.

Thanks for reading!
Always, Ashlea