Letters to

Letter to May

Dear May,

Please take me back. Back to the days when the sun shined on rainy days and tears were shed from laughter. The days when happiness wasn’t just a word, but a feeling I grew accustomed to. The days when I spent every second with the people I loved; the people who were brighter than the moon and stars combined and who helped me shine too. Take me back to the person I used to be, when I believed in everything and thought anything was possible; when all I saw was beauty and positivity, even in the darkest of corners. Those were the days when everything made sense, I was where I was meant to be and I belonged.

It’s been two years since my happiness came crashing down at lightning speed and I was left with nothing. Everything was over and it destroyed me, my thoughts of the past haunted my every second. I remember thinking how frightening it was that happiness could turn to depression so quickly. One minute you could be floating on cloud nine and the next thing you know, you’re lying on the ground wondering how it went so wrong. And to tell you a secret, May, I don’t think I’ve gotten up since. These bittersweet memories have been holding me down for a long time. Those days were the happiest I have ever been and to be honest, I’m terrified that that’s the only chance I’ll get, that those two years of my life were my prime time and I’ll never feel that happy again. Because let’s face it, I will never get those moments back, I’ll never step foot in that environment again with those people, we will never feel the same. We were invincible and hopeful. Ambitious, carefree and daring. And even though I’ve known this for a long time, I think it’s only now that it’s truly sinking in: I can never go back and life will never be the same again.

So to throw myself into more nostalgic heartache, I somehow found myself looking through old photographs which made me want to turn back the clock even more! Reminiscing is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s beautiful and helps you realise how good life can be. But reminiscing for me at this point in time, is heartbreaking. I can’t help but be reminded of everything I’ve lost; and how my present life cannot compare to the happiness and fulfilment I once had.

Life is so different now, that I don’t think I could have ever imagined it would turn out this way. I never thought it would be this hard. I feel like I’ve been left behind, even forgotten, like our glorious time together are now just fragments of memories, faded like old photographs tucked away in scrapbooks. All my friends have moved on with their lives, they’ve met new people, started new adventures, created more memories that add to our existing ones and I’m still stuck in the past, feeling replaced.

I feel as though I’m driving through thick fog. It’s dull and lifeless and I can’t see two feet in front of me. I’m trying to concentrate on what lies ahead but the sun from behind me glares off of the rearview mirror and I can’t help but look. It’s blinding, but in the best way. It’s warm and blissful, fun and beautiful. I know it’s where I want to be right now, but no matter how much I look, the car keeps moving forward and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Helplessly, I watch as the light fades away and the fog encompasses me. 

One day, I’ll find the strength, contentment and happiness I need in order to reminisce on old fond memories and not feel that heartache. But for now I’m going to continue to document my life because I am now fully aware that life is ever-changing and I want to remember as much of it as possible.

Always,
Ashlea

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